a believable faith

I have not understood faith my entire life. Not for the lack of people trying to teach me. I knew what the formula was but I could not apply it. And I then thought people believed in something akin to fairytale magic when they spoke of faith.

When I was about 9 or 10, I had a Sunday school class. The elderly woman leading it pointed to the light switch on the wall. "Faith is believing that the light will turn on when you flip the switch."

I suppose the principle was there. But I didn't see it. I was a young literalist. I asked "so electricity is a part of God? and if I don't believe the light will turn on... it won't?" I stepped across the room and said I didn't believe the light would turn on and flipped the switch.

On another occasion she was going on a rather long-winded tirade about who God was and was unconsciously thumping her Bible threateningly at all of us young'uns. To be honest I had begun to tune out about 90% of what she said. My mind had better courses to run. I had my fill of theology from home so naturally I didn't go to church to learn anything, I could do that(had to) at home. I went to see my friends. The 10% of this lecture that I listened to was John chapter1 and Genesis 1(these chapters parallel each other) and I heard the phrase "in the beginning there was the word, and the word was with God and the word was God."

I let out a loud objection. "Teacher,"(I knew her name was Mrs. Ashcroft but we were supposed to call her teacher) "your saying," I held up my Bible, "That THIS is God?"
Mrs. Ashcroft was a kind woman from what I had heard of her. But there was a level of severity in her face that did, in no way, invite questions. I asked the question for two reasons, 1. I hadn't been reading my Bible on my own time, at all. And if God, the one that killed hundreds of thousands of people in the old testament, was in fact the book he would not be pleased that I had I hadn't been browsing through his pages 2. the folk in Texas almost always, if they were believers, kept a large family Bible in their living rooms and were very superstitious about putting anything on top of it. I had only the day before left several G.I. Joes and a vehicle upon the cover of one at my best friends house(and was asked to never do that again). The kicker was that I hadn't even asked for forgiveness yet: I thought I was about to get an ol'testament ass whooping, and I wasn't certain that God wouldn't use Mrs. Ashcroft to do it.

I don't remember what her reply was. All I remember was how close her nose was to mine as she earnestly tried to get me to understand what God was. All I could see was just how earnest the blood vessels on her forehead could be. It was an uncomfortable lecture, one that made me realize asking questions usually ended up in people explaining something at great length and 'passion' reviewing the things I already knew. Questions gave others the opportunity to speak condescendingly toward me, particularly those who felt the need to exert their authority or superiority over me. That image of inferiority began to creep in, and I felt that's how God looked at me as well. Technically I knew he wasn't. I knew the Bible's take on things, but that's the horrible thing about bad leadership: The example of authority taints the idea of the intangible to something it is not. I began to only ask questions of things I could not figure out or find readily in a book. In short I stopped asking God and man for help as I didn't want their help if it came with condescension.

Along with this idea came the notion that I didn't want to be human and for many years tried my very best to look at the world as objectively as I could and erase all emotion from my mind. Humanity was continually in the work of creating catch 22 situations that I wanted no part in. To not be human, it seemed even if only by mental claim, was a loophole from social pressure. Oddly enough I realized that I could never truly disconnect completely from my emotions, but could not altogether admit my erring thought process as I had nothing to fill the void. I would always have preferences, if by no other thing this made me human. But I did not know the damage I had wreaked upon myself for some years.

Once I began my collegiate career I began to think about Purpose. It became the cornerstone of my philosophy and still is in many ways. C.S. Lewis put in perspective in his book 'Mere Christianity' with the notion that for every need there is something that satisfies. I bent my mind where it did not want to look and found that my emotions were a part of thought. The gap between ideas and emotion was what made a thought a truly complete thought, the gap was also what made me human.

All this time I believed in God. I had no idea who or what I was asking. I asked Him for many things. Desperate and anxious. Not wanting my life to go by without leaving a mark somewhere.
All my requests I tried to feign the emotion of faith. Sometimes I really thought I was praying faithfully. I was trying so hard to believe, but yet I was faithless and emotionally bankrupt.

How is it that I can try so hard to believe and yet not have faith?

There was a line that people used to say(I think they still do). "Become what cannot be destroyed: Faith, Hope, and Love."

Obviously those things cannot be destroyed. But I passed them off as things completely separate. Only this last week have I realized that they are all apart of the same thing. They are describing perfect Love. You can love something without hope and faith. You can hope for things you don't love. But you cannot have faith. You can get it but you can never have it. Faith is an act of giving, but it can only be had if asked for.
Faith Hope Love
The request, the expectation, the realization.

The difference in syntax is subtle, and yet the meaning vastly different.

Perhaps some things must be learned over being taught. But I can't help but think of how different my life would have been had I understood it from Mrs. Ashcroft.

Which is not to say that I hold a grudge against those who tried to teach me. I was a difficult pupil to say the least. If there is a moral to be taken from this anecdotal article it is this: let us not water down so the least of us can understand in a short amount of time. Let us not skip over the interrogatives for theology. These questions must be answered, calmly and without condescension of age or ideology, to the best of our ability, and not just within the text of the Bible but also in respect to History and Philosophy. Answering questions are of greater importance than the preaching and recitation of the Word.

Christ said that if you had but the faith of a mustard seed you could move mountains into the sea.

So my friends if you are at your wits end and have nothing left: pray for faith.
and if you are content and wealthy: pray for faith.

A bright light on a dark horizon

No I have not found anything new or insipiring about our political position. Although I thought Huckabee's appearance on SNL to be hilarious.

I've heard of these things from pilots. I've read about them in books, but I had never before seen one. For those of you lucky enough to have seen one you know what I'm talking about.

I was driving home, it was getting close to midnight, when the entire western sky lit up. I thought for a second that it was a nuclear explosion, or the spy satellite being shot down. I looked up to see what it could be. Light pulsed soft and then bright again, leaving a bright trail behind. It silently pulsed north, before it broke up into four distinct pieces of bright yellow and disappeared altogether. The trail lingered for twenty seconds, maybe it hung in the sky for no reason, maybe it was simply burned on my retinas.

I nearly drove off the road. I had seen large meteors, but nothing like this. This was astronomically larger than anything I had ever before witnessed. It was far more amazing than even a total solar eclipse. I wasn't altogether certain what I had seen, I doubted the UFO theory straightaway. I was seriously thinking that I might have, out of exhaustion, hallucinated the entire event.

I got home and did my research. What I saw, was a meteorite fireball. I'm not sure how to explain them exactly. Instead why don't you go see for yourself? meteor

another article on language

Perhaps I go too far in saying that we are headed toward civil war. Unrest is likely. Maybe not war. It really all depends on the media spin.

I must repeat that a good bit of this blog is here to insure that I don't mentally snap. Not all my ideas are running together well, and I tend toward impressionistic language when I am venting. It does get people talking and that is what I do enjoy.

My good friend Jachin( http://jachin.rupe.name/ ) has put up a very interesting article on the use of words liberal and conservative. I must say I had similar trouble figuring, and discussing, the difference between left and right. Adjectives becoming nouns have been a source of confusion for centuries, and will continue indefinitely. It is the same problem of pronouns without an obvious proper noun. Language, policed or not, will change. Personal goals to use 'correct' language does slow the progress down but has not ever been seen to stop human invention.

Liberal and Conservative are just hijacked adjectives used as proper nouns even though the proper meaning of the movements are not clear. This is very political and disingenuous, but does not altogether disqualify them as meaningful titles. It is confusing, but nevertheless: it is our duty as sentient beings to weed out the truth in our own tangled web of lies. We can't blame language, only what we know to be progress of language.

Which of course means we can only expect, as time goes on, for the language and culture to become either clearer or more confusing. Using the correct adjectival definition is a moral choice, and a truly conservative idea.

No one left

There is no one left in politics that is going to get a nomination from either party that I can vote for.

Clinton, Obama, and McCain stand for nothing that constitutes or even supports the Constitution. The only stark difference in party politics, is that McCain weakly supports the Bill of rights.

The Wisconsin Primary is coming up soon, and I will cast my vote for whom I believe the best candidate is.

It will not be Clinton. She wants to bring back a government of failure and public works as they did in the depression era. If we do become economically depressed it will only be further stomped on by empowered socialists. She has the mantra of a very annoying professor who is always right even though she agrees with a text that contradicts her. To hell with feminism if this is its great pinnacle.

It will not be Obama. As much as he is likable as a person, and has a voice that does not chafe the ears, his policies, much like Clinton's, will bankrupt the country. He is a senator that stands for a European-like socialism and has a total of ZERO accomplishments in his political career here in America. If his only accomplishment as a senator is becoming a senator he is in no way a qualified to be the leader of the free world. His speeches as inspiring as they are intended seem as if they were written by a 7th grader on why he isn't going to shoot himself because he's bullied at school. Not to mention he has the backing of well known communists.

The thing I'm beginning to fear the most may shock some of you. The changes the democratic party would institute upon the backs of the people would incite riot and revolt. The people would for the first time in many years take up the 2nd Amendment for what it was put into the Constitution for. And those same democrats lips would curl into smile, the same lips that spoke about tolerance and gun control and government restraint, and give the order for Marshal law. There is a large number of people in America who will not stand idly by and watch as socialists destroy everything that made our country unique and powerful. We may very well be on the way to civil war. And not just within the democrats camp.

If you think I believe this for no reason look at the facts: they are already threatening free speech rights with the Fairness doctrine. This is a part of Obama's political platform. Gun control is a part of democratic party; libs don't like people having guns because then they actually will be held accountable and they don't like that. Free speech can be instantly done away with the moment the police say "shut up, I have a gun and you don't."

The problem with removing any one of our rights is the moment one is gone the others are vulnerable. Freedom has been choking on the fumes of our legislators for decades. We don't need new laws to make life better. We need fewer laws. We need a candidate who will veto all new laws and government run programs. And to repeal those laws that try to govern our morality.

This situation is only going to hurt democrats the longer it goes on. If you don't vote for Obama your obviously a racist, or worse: a republican. If you don't vote for Hillary your an uneducated sexist pig, or worse: a republican. The sad thing is the republican candidate that seems to have the edge is, at best, a right wing democrat.

I will not hold my nose for a candidate. I will, vote for who has the principle of our country at heart. Ron Paul, in my humble opine, is the only candidate worth his salt. The only man who is the same man as when he began his political career. It is unfortunate that he will not win, but he has my vote. The rest of the two-faced jackals can be fed to crocodiles.

A simple clarification

During this political season I've heard the word 'moral' tossed around a few more times than it ought and without any thought to its function.

Most people think that morality is simply the difference between right and wrong. And this is true, but I've always found it to be empty of meaning.

Here is my answer: Whenever we make a statement of or about morality we are making a statement of or about an object's purpose.

Right and wrong are both fulfillments of purpose. So a moral question is really asking: What is your purpose?

The purpose of a camera is to take pictures. It has no morality as an object. Morals have to do with the use of objects. It is the responsibility of the user to use it correctly in order to achieve the desired result. Mishandled the camera will only do what it is made to do. It is the same with nature, and politics. To act morally or amorally takes action.

So for people to say, for example, that killing people is amoral. They are saying that it serves no purpose for people to kill each other. I agree. But humans don't, in general, kill each other for no reason. Killing is either associated with ideology or vice. Killing is not the purpose but merely the act. This goes with anything that is a verb. So if the word has -ing on the end of it and it's a political movement, you can almost automatically discount it as stupidity.

If action becomes law(ie. morals), there is no end to it. It goes on indefinitely. A squadron of enforcers are put into play to ticket the populous, taxes go up year by year prompting more complaining by those who bear the burden of collective theft.

A moral is a choice of purpose in our actions. Not something that can be legislated, but must be chosen from day to day by the individual.

There are great causes out there. But it is not a moral choice to enlist in their ranks. Rather it is by charity not morality that we associate ourselves with causes.

Perils of Work

Most of us think of organic farming as a positive thing. I like to think I ingest fewer chemicals at dinner time. It contributes to a stronger self and a longer life. But what about work? Could organic farming be responsible for destroying my livelihood? How could that be?
My memory skips back a ways to just a few months ago. I was going about my business at my usual absent- minded pace. Upon picking up a perfect cluster of grapes I began my usual process of separating the heavy stems in order to fit them in those flimsy plastic clamshells you see in the store. As I began, I froze, just as soon as I had started. For there, deep within, was a great spider.
Now I deal with spiders all the time. Anytime a case of anything organic warms up just slightly there are many harmless brown and white spiders that scamper out. It used to be more alarming but now is simply a fact of life. I'm fairly sure organic farmers cultivate these spiders to keep harmful bugs away from their produce. Nothing to be afraid of.
Here in front of my gaze, nestled in its wispy web, between the giant green orbs of grapes, was a great black spider. Her metallic legs, like needles, held upon the stem; standing guard over her eggs. She was the menacing Black Widow. It was too cold for her, I knew, but it was only with a long instrument that I dared remove her from her home.
Since this incident, it came to mind, that it might be a good idea to catalogue the strange fauna I find in the flora. The problem with this is that I find that my job becomes a great deal riskier by the day.
It is never advisable to take all trucker stories to heart. Some, however, get in your mind, true or not, and fester. A trucker, that I talked to every once in a while, made his trek twice a week from the port in Louisiana to Minneapolis hauling a semi full of bananas. He made he journey a little later than usual that week. He spoke with a thick southern accent and was rather eager to explain. To my recollection it was something like this:
"Now when they are collecting the bananas in the wild they just chop 'em off the tree and toss 'em in the boat. Now when the boat got to us it warmed up and we found that the cargo hold was full of snakes. Now I don't know what kind of snakes they was. Alls I know is the natives called 'em step and a half snakes. Cuz that's all the further you went once you got bit. "
Perhaps some worker somewhere would overlook a small ornery snake and it would end up in the next box I pick up. The story of the chef who lost his arm because a brown recluse bit his hand while at work. And that box of bananas came from my work. I remember because he tried to sue. Not to mention the unnameable spiders from tropical places that get a free ride to our warehouse. Not like the plain colored spiders of our cold climate, but colorful ones. Metallic gleam, neon yellow, green, and orange spiders, some dressed in spots and others in stripes. God only knows what happens when they bite you.
Food from nature is a beautiful thing. Something pure like Adam and Eve walking around eating whatever they pleased without fear of even a single mosquito bite on their exposed skin. It makes me wonder why nature had to grow so many damn thorns.

A character piece

Let me introduce you to a fellow co-worker of mine. Well, he used to be a co-worker, now he's a supervisor. I have many co-workers that are characters. This fellow just recently became more of a character than before. I call him 'the ferret'. I can't capitalize the name, even though I am using it as a proper pronoun, the ferret is man that cannot be respected.
The reason I call him 'the ferret': Most of my co-workers just called him 'stinky' but that was being nice. When they weren't being nice they used verbiage that cannot and should not be used anywhere. The moniker came from his pungent smell. Something akin to Marlboro, cat piss, and the lack of soap to clean up with. The ferret is in his fifties. Hippie hair and beard, his shirt undone to reveal a furry mat of aged beastliness, nestled into which is a gaudy golden cross. He has a long nose and a very high forehead offset only by his wide display of his smoked yellow dentures. Let it be known to all people that he both looks and talks, without exaggeration, like Tommy Chong in 'That 70's Show'.
I'm not sure how he got his job exactly. The theory is that he lied on his resume and our superior managers never bothered to call around. To begin with he was mostly a nice fellow, at least not outrightly mean as the supervisor above him. And he did about as much work as the rest of us.
A few things changed: he got the mean supervisor fired for stealing. A fact I now question. He was bumped up to the same position. Shortly after which he pulled a muscle in his back and no longer did any real work. The ferret, now completely bored, as he now had no real work to do began to take a turn that made everyone start asking questions. He began claiming that he was rich, that he had completed his masters and had a fortune waiting in retirement. He never answered any direct questions about his education. But he claimed to be an expert on everything.
I've had a large amount of experience with people who deliberately trying to sway your opinions of themselves by asserting their superiority. Largely these people that the ferret typifies, are generally thought to be losers (and don't get me wrong, they are). But they don't have to be: that's the hilarity of the whole thing. No one can be the best at everything, and there's nothing more pitiable than someone who says they are and fails at every attempt.
How did the ferret betray himself? For several months he says he talks to upper management about getting the lower workers more benefits and, occasionally, lunch. A point that he likes to tell us. If there is a meeting (even if its been posted for a week) he will tell everyone, the day of, as if it was something completely new. He would go to great lengths in telling me, and a few others that bothered to listen, how to do our job, which I found in most cases to be completely unhelpful. If anything was said that contradicted him or refuted him he would simply not hear it even if it was yelled in his ear. He would deny it completely. If one brought proof he would not remember the conversation. It came down to him not knowing a thing about what he was saying. That made everyone suspicious. Then it happened:
The branch manager came and told us that he would be buying lunch as we had all worked hard and set a record for the year. We mentioned that it should wait a bit for the next shift to show up so that everyone would reap the benefit. So the word was put out and pizza was to be delivered when the next shift got in. Enter the ferret a few hours later: "Hey guys, I talked to the boss and got us all pizza tonight."