a believable faith

I have not understood faith my entire life. Not for the lack of people trying to teach me. I knew what the formula was but I could not apply it. And I then thought people believed in something akin to fairytale magic when they spoke of faith.

When I was about 9 or 10, I had a Sunday school class. The elderly woman leading it pointed to the light switch on the wall. "Faith is believing that the light will turn on when you flip the switch."

I suppose the principle was there. But I didn't see it. I was a young literalist. I asked "so electricity is a part of God? and if I don't believe the light will turn on... it won't?" I stepped across the room and said I didn't believe the light would turn on and flipped the switch.

On another occasion she was going on a rather long-winded tirade about who God was and was unconsciously thumping her Bible threateningly at all of us young'uns. To be honest I had begun to tune out about 90% of what she said. My mind had better courses to run. I had my fill of theology from home so naturally I didn't go to church to learn anything, I could do that(had to) at home. I went to see my friends. The 10% of this lecture that I listened to was John chapter1 and Genesis 1(these chapters parallel each other) and I heard the phrase "in the beginning there was the word, and the word was with God and the word was God."

I let out a loud objection. "Teacher,"(I knew her name was Mrs. Ashcroft but we were supposed to call her teacher) "your saying," I held up my Bible, "That THIS is God?"
Mrs. Ashcroft was a kind woman from what I had heard of her. But there was a level of severity in her face that did, in no way, invite questions. I asked the question for two reasons, 1. I hadn't been reading my Bible on my own time, at all. And if God, the one that killed hundreds of thousands of people in the old testament, was in fact the book he would not be pleased that I had I hadn't been browsing through his pages 2. the folk in Texas almost always, if they were believers, kept a large family Bible in their living rooms and were very superstitious about putting anything on top of it. I had only the day before left several G.I. Joes and a vehicle upon the cover of one at my best friends house(and was asked to never do that again). The kicker was that I hadn't even asked for forgiveness yet: I thought I was about to get an ol'testament ass whooping, and I wasn't certain that God wouldn't use Mrs. Ashcroft to do it.

I don't remember what her reply was. All I remember was how close her nose was to mine as she earnestly tried to get me to understand what God was. All I could see was just how earnest the blood vessels on her forehead could be. It was an uncomfortable lecture, one that made me realize asking questions usually ended up in people explaining something at great length and 'passion' reviewing the things I already knew. Questions gave others the opportunity to speak condescendingly toward me, particularly those who felt the need to exert their authority or superiority over me. That image of inferiority began to creep in, and I felt that's how God looked at me as well. Technically I knew he wasn't. I knew the Bible's take on things, but that's the horrible thing about bad leadership: The example of authority taints the idea of the intangible to something it is not. I began to only ask questions of things I could not figure out or find readily in a book. In short I stopped asking God and man for help as I didn't want their help if it came with condescension.

Along with this idea came the notion that I didn't want to be human and for many years tried my very best to look at the world as objectively as I could and erase all emotion from my mind. Humanity was continually in the work of creating catch 22 situations that I wanted no part in. To not be human, it seemed even if only by mental claim, was a loophole from social pressure. Oddly enough I realized that I could never truly disconnect completely from my emotions, but could not altogether admit my erring thought process as I had nothing to fill the void. I would always have preferences, if by no other thing this made me human. But I did not know the damage I had wreaked upon myself for some years.

Once I began my collegiate career I began to think about Purpose. It became the cornerstone of my philosophy and still is in many ways. C.S. Lewis put in perspective in his book 'Mere Christianity' with the notion that for every need there is something that satisfies. I bent my mind where it did not want to look and found that my emotions were a part of thought. The gap between ideas and emotion was what made a thought a truly complete thought, the gap was also what made me human.

All this time I believed in God. I had no idea who or what I was asking. I asked Him for many things. Desperate and anxious. Not wanting my life to go by without leaving a mark somewhere.
All my requests I tried to feign the emotion of faith. Sometimes I really thought I was praying faithfully. I was trying so hard to believe, but yet I was faithless and emotionally bankrupt.

How is it that I can try so hard to believe and yet not have faith?

There was a line that people used to say(I think they still do). "Become what cannot be destroyed: Faith, Hope, and Love."

Obviously those things cannot be destroyed. But I passed them off as things completely separate. Only this last week have I realized that they are all apart of the same thing. They are describing perfect Love. You can love something without hope and faith. You can hope for things you don't love. But you cannot have faith. You can get it but you can never have it. Faith is an act of giving, but it can only be had if asked for.
Faith Hope Love
The request, the expectation, the realization.

The difference in syntax is subtle, and yet the meaning vastly different.

Perhaps some things must be learned over being taught. But I can't help but think of how different my life would have been had I understood it from Mrs. Ashcroft.

Which is not to say that I hold a grudge against those who tried to teach me. I was a difficult pupil to say the least. If there is a moral to be taken from this anecdotal article it is this: let us not water down so the least of us can understand in a short amount of time. Let us not skip over the interrogatives for theology. These questions must be answered, calmly and without condescension of age or ideology, to the best of our ability, and not just within the text of the Bible but also in respect to History and Philosophy. Answering questions are of greater importance than the preaching and recitation of the Word.

Christ said that if you had but the faith of a mustard seed you could move mountains into the sea.

So my friends if you are at your wits end and have nothing left: pray for faith.
and if you are content and wealthy: pray for faith.